where did june go?

dear ones,

where the hell did june go? 

back in early may i spent a week or two writing a little bit everyday.

let me mention here that i have a very complicated relationship with writing. since i was young all i wanted was to be a writer. sometimes i wanted to be novelist, sometimes a poet, but always i wanted to write. 

somehow i became a spiritual guide. 

here i am, forty six (am i the only one who has to double check if they are getting their age right every time they say it?) and not a writer. 

last year i signed up for a book writing class and i sat down to write “the story of taking care of kelly while she died.” i wrote an outline of the book and a rough draft of the first chapter. the woman teaching the class did not like my first chapter and suggested i try it again in a different voice. (apparently you are not supposed to write a book about someone as though you are talking to them.) 

i tried to re-write it but it felt sticky. then my dog died and the next day my step son got in a snowboarding accident that put him in the ICU for several days. i had every reason to stop writing. 

right?

this year i signed up for simone seol’s class “writing with the sword.” it was sold as a copy writing class but the thing that caught my eye and had me register was when she said that in writing with the sword she would have participants start writing something real every day. 

ohhhhhh, another chance to be a writer.  

back in early may i listened to the first class (a few days late) and started writing in a new notebook, and also a few short pieces on my laptop. the next week i listened to the second class and for a week or so i kept noticing little moments of writing showing up. 

i wrote about being fast when i was little. i wrote about flying in my dreams. i wrote about winning an award in high school. i wrote about sex. i wrote about wanting to be a poet.

then i stopped. (no dog died. no one was in the ICU.)

now it is no longer may, in fact it is the end of june. (where the hell did june go?) i have not been writing anything for several weeks it turns out.

i woke up this morning feeling a little foggy. life has been go go go go go it feels like. our kids have had dance recitals, band concerts, high school graduations, and graduation parties. we have been taking the new boat out and learning to surf. i spent time test driving and choosing a new car, and then finding that car and finding the courage to buy it. we have seen friends from out of town and hosted family. all to say i am way off my regular schedule and out of my rhythms. i didn’t even practice yesterday. 

in my foggy, i started making lists while sipping my coffee in bed.

organizing space at home:
- under my bathroom sink 
- office closet clean out 
- random shelf of shit outside my office
- storage closet area
- BOXES 

soyala offer ideas:
- oracle
- live like a poet
- radical something
- hot box
- one day virtual retreat
- collabs with people
- resonant graffiti in july?
- bad ass bitch

writing with the sword:
- lesson 1: re-listen
- lesson 2: who is my Julie?
- lesson 3: re-listen and answer questions
- lesson 4
- lesson 5
- lesson 6
- can i write every day…

somehow the lists helped. some energy inside of me moved a little bit in some direction. something softened and opened. (all that from a list. who knew?)

i stopped making lists and wrote this. 

where the hell did june go? 

i still have no idea.

but here it is, late june. i have house guests arriving tomorrow. i have a new car. i have my practice to return to today. i have a few lists. i have a lifelong dream of being a writer and a class to review and finish. i have ideas to live into. 

what will happen next? 

xo,
robin