when love feels messy (and real)
i didn’t turn my work toward long-term relationship support because i’m good at long-term relationship. quite the opposite.
i’m pretty great at doing a long seated practice alone in my office. but as soon as i step into a field that wants more breath, movement, and grounding in complex emotional relating, i have a tendency to contract.
my pattern to contract historically shows up in two polar opposite ways. i’ll simplify them:
i am better than. i know the right way. i feel like i should just be respected.
i am insecure. i don’t think you actually like or love me. i am not allowed to have a preference or need unless yours are already met.
aren’t i so fun to relate with?
after basically 20-something years of deep work in many modalities—and honestly, a real burning hunger to awaken that i’m not sure where it originated—i’ve come to some clear relational conclusions.
every single hiccup i experience relationally has a piece of information for me about my own reactions, patterns, and beliefs. literally every conflict, every disconnect, every misunderstanding has a flavor of teaching around my own contraction.
this does not mean i am to blame. this does not mean the other person isn’t also involved.
it means what i can count on is my own.
the change begins in me.
my current marriage has been in a season of consistently deepening trust, love, and connection for the last six months or so. i admit, some part of me wanted to believe we had “made it.” (what does that even mean?)
then we hit a transition time. all of our kids are headed in various directions to travel or live with people who are not us for a few weeks. we had time on the island, which means running two households on the same lake but in different places. we had different responsibilities to our different children, which had us sleeping in different homes for nights in a row. we drifted into different lifestyles, almost.
the old patterns came on strong—both of us coping with approaching separation from our kiddos, and creating stories about what our long-term partner should be doing to help us feel better.
partway into this grind, i had the opportunity to do some deeper work with a couple who’s in a package with me. they were in conflict. they wanted to be open to the model we had agreed to together (calling a pause if dysregulated, doing their own work to be responsible for self-tending, etc.), but they equally wanted me (and their partner!) to hear how their perspective was right and if the other person would just behave differently, things would be better.
now, it’s not that that’s wrong at all. when our partner behaves how we want, we do feel better! absolutely. but we can’t count on them to always be how we want them to be. we can’t count on them to join our emotional reality. we can’t count on them not to activate our old coping strategies and bump into pre-existing pain points that literally did not originate with their actions.
it was so easy for me to see what they were each up to. i was filled with compassion and really deep understanding as i took the time over a day or two to remind them each, again and again, what the opportunity is if you’re willing to put down the narrative of “they are wrong!” and look at other tools. regulation, noticing our own pain, and learning our unconscious love stories go a long way toward creating a better life for ourselves and in our relationships.
i was gentle but fierce with them, saying on repeat, “i know. i totally get it. also, you have the opportunity here to understand your own parts, dysregulation, and stories better. you are the one you can count on.”
the secondary gift?
even though my husband and i were not in dramatic conflict, i was reminded that i was also up to my own bullshit.
i was way too focused on his mood, his words, and what i perceived him doing and not doing. i had forgotten my own loving discipline to reflect on each activation i felt as an opportunity to hold myself.
to practice. to breathe. to rock and sigh and cry in my own arms. to listen to what my parts feel. to include their reality while doubling down on my capacity to return to awake awareness as my truth.
so, as well as the honor of holding this couple through their conflict, i was able to hold myself to my own practice and path. this path led me back into a softer, more resilient body, nervous system, and heart. it led me to find creative ways to reconnect with my husband. it allowed me to communicate with maturity and let love lead again.
like i said, i didn’t end up feeling that relationship support is my dharma because it comes to me naturally. i’m a relationship wizard because i have to be—to have a chance at the life i dream of.
xo,
robin
